Hot Minds Messy Hearts

It was 1998.

Britney’s Spears’ single “Hit me baby one time” topped the music charts, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” became the ultimate one-liner for the year, and Monica Lewinsky became the butting joke for the next 20.

My bedroom door was plastered with Leonardo DiCaprio Teen Beat covers, and puberty ravaged my body while I paused Now and Then to get a glimpse of Devon Sawa’s genitals. 

While backyard campouts listening to Spice Girls became my summer pleasure, it was Sunday movie nights with my dad that I most looked forward to. We loved watching movies together, and unlike my mom who hated violence, dad and I loved a good dose of blood and explosions.

This weekend’s movie would be G.I. Jane. It was a two day rental from blockbuster and I was ready to go, pjs on and popcorn in hand.

The Ridley Scott directed film stars Demi Moore as Lt. Jordan O’Neil, whose core mission is to prove that a woman can survive the grueling Navy Seals training within the merits of her hard work and determination, and not from the patriarchal standards that deemed her the weaker sex.

From the moment she landed on base, she became a mocking joke, her comrades showing her little to no respect, separated in a different living quarter and accruing her a 30 second start to competitions because a woman is not on the same playing field as her male counterparts.

In one scene, O’Neil and her comrades are in the midst of gruelling training. Shivering and holding massive water filled rafts above their heads for hours in the middle of the night, Master Chief John James Urgayle (played by Viggo Mortensen), baits the exhausted seals to give up.

“If you now care to admit that you are woefully out of your depth… that bell is your salvation. Strike it three times and you are out. Free to get a hot shower and a good night’s sleep.”

This is called the Hormetic effect:

Former Secret Service agent Evy Poumpouras details this concept in Becoming Bulletproof:

“Over the course of months, our instructors incrementally exposed us to greater and greater amounts of stress to the point where we could function highly, both mentally and physically, while under extreme cognitive loads. We need to learn how to run AND shoot AND maneuver our way out of a burning building AND keep our protectee safe – all at the same time.”

In short, you learn to cope and strengthen your response to adversity.

As I watched Demi Moore split blood from her mouth, I became enthralled in her badassery, rooting for her as she endures a brutal mock interrogation yelling “Suck my dick” at the TV screen.

I envied O’Neil. She was the underdog, she didn’t cry or complain, but worked hard and gained respect, and walked out the champion.

I would have cried hands down the moment I landed on base.

I go to bed that night and dream that I am the badass underdog. My head is shaved, I am bloodied and bruised, and through it all, I do not quit or cry.

“Suck my clit”, I yell to Viggo Mortensen, before drop kicking him to the ground.

I feel alive, like I can conquer anything! I am a warrior goddess!

My alarm wakes me up.

And reality sets in that I will never be like O’Neil.

My sensitive soul wouldn’t be able to handle the yelling. There would be no way I would make it on base.

I don’t have what it takes to be strong like her.

That’s for the movies.

It’s not reality.

I walk into grade 9 shy, insecure and guarded.

“You are a different person from the day you show up to the day you leave,” Evy Poumpouras wisely recalls, “because you are building resilience.”