Hot Minds Messy Hearts

As someone who is a consummate overthinker, suffering a pretty serious bout of paralysis analysis, it has come to my attention over the last couple of years how important it is for my self-esteem to try, and fail, then to do nothing at all. It sounds counterintuitive, but in order to become confident, you must be willing to take action.

Competence breeds confidence.

Case in point, my desire to safely saber a champagne bottle. The first time I saw it performed was in the 2008 romantic comedy What Happens in Vegas. Cameron Diaz pulls out the party trick to impress a group of businessmen and win the affections of her meet cute counterpart Ashton Kutcher. And boy did she deliver!

When the pandemic hit, and my boredom kicked in, this party trick became center stage. 

Sure glass could explode in my face and I could end up in the emergency room. But I’m willing to risk it. How else am I going to learn?  

Don’t think. Just do.

In Daniel Pinks’s The Power of Regret, the author collects over 15,000 people’s stories in 105 countries honing in on their reflections of heartbreak, heartache and insight to discover what compels us humans to contemplate regret in the first place. What he discovered was that regrets were broken down into four major categories: Foundation regrets, boldness regrets, moral regrets and connection regrets.

Foundation regrets encompassed the failure to be responsible, conscientious, or prudent. This often included the inability to access and pursue higher education, maintain and reach financial stability and opting into healthier life choices. Following this need for stability comes boldness regrets, the chances that we didn’t take in life. It’s a funny paradox; that a core regret of a stable foundation can also be the very regret for those that do not take any risks at all. And while it’s easy to live in the comfort zone, and to avoid pain, it’s also the area where inaction haunts us the most.

“Sometimes boldness regrets emerge from an accumulation of decisions and indecisions; other times they erupt from a single moment. But whatever their origin, the question they present us is always the same: play it safe or take a chance?” (Daniel Pink, The Power of Regret)

Now I’m not saying that everyone should saber a champagne bottle. I will not be responsible for a Darwin award. But we can use the underlying motivation to propel further introspection: I really want to do something, but fear is holding me back.

While there is such a thing as innate fear, which is programmed into our survival to help us identity threats, a lot of fears we develop are learned, influenced by our environment and life experience. Some of the more common fears that come to mind are spiders, public speaking, heights, planes, trains, automobiles, etc. But more interesting, are the internal fears that show up on the psychological battlefield. For some it can be rejection and abandonment, for others its shame, minimization and humiliation that take hold. Whatever the fear, our present selves are stifled because we want to avoid becoming what we fear the most.

The result? We end up playing it safe.

If boldness regrets encompasses the actions we didn’t take, what does that say about the actions we do make?

 

“Mom are you ready?” I ask her with a mixture of excitement and nerves.

“Yes” she says with a slight annoyance.

With a broom and dustpan in one hand and the cold bottle of sparkling wine in the other, I hand mom the dull kitchen knife as we march down to the basement.

My stomach is flipping.

Despite my friend sending me videos of champagne saber fails, I feel fairly confident in my decision. And while my internal psyche mulls over what could go wrong, I lock out the noise, in favor of action.

I peel the gold foil off the bottle and unravel the cage from the head, lifting it slightly above the top of the cork and twisting it back on. Handing my phone over to mom, I press record and tell her to aim for my face.

Holding the $30 Brut that I had chilled overnight in the fridge, I tilt it on a 40-degree angle. Using my left non-dominant hand, I place my thumb in the punt (a fancy word for the indentation of the bottom of the bottle), and place my four fingers along the base, seam side up.

Nerves flood over me as I hold the cold bottle in my hands, and for a mere second, I question my sanity.

What happens if glass shatters in my eye?

Don’t think. Just do.

I run the back of the blade slowly up the seam twice, steadying the knife’s edge on the neck. On the third thrust I move the blade swiftly up the neck and hit the bottom of the lip, where a beautiful pop rings in my ears and foam appears at the top of the clean cut bottle.

“I did it!” I exclaim in shock and euphoria.

“It’s still going. Is that it?” Mom says in an irritated voice.

I think she’s happy we didn’t have to take a trip to the emergency room.

I ignore her irritation and soak in my accomplishment.

Self-doubt could have won tonight, but instead I tried, and succeeded, on my first attempt!

Don’t think. Just do.

Because you may end up surprising yourself, and walk out with a perfectly cut bottle.

“At the heart of confidence is action. It’s the willingness to try. And all you need to know is that if you try, your not going to die, and you will learn something. And when you learn something, it will remove the insecurity, so it makes it slightly easier to try again.” – Mel Robbins